So forever ago I bought a book that I tried to read. I could not seem to get into it until recently and then I could not put it down. This is a passage, this was my journey through this book, and this has brought me to a place where I can accept and find always within never.

“What about me? What do I feel? I may be chattering away about the events at———, but I’m not very brave. I’m afraid to go into myself and see what’s going on in there. And I’m ashamed….I was suffering but it didn’t hurt and, as a result, all my little plans were just the luxury of some problem-free teenager. Poor little rich girl rationalizing things, wanting to draw attention to herself.

But this time, for the very first time, it hurt, it really hurt. Like a fist in my stomach: I couldn’t breathe, my heart aching fit to burst, my tummy crushed. An unbearable physical pain. I wondered if I’d ever get over the pain of it. It hurt so  much I wanted to scream. But I didn’t scream. What I feel now is that the pain is still there but it isn’t keeping me from walking or talking, it’s a feeling of complete helpless absurdity. So that’s what it’s like?All of the sudden all possibilities just vanish? A life full of projects, discussions just started, desires not even fulfilled – it all vanishes in a second and there is nothing let, nothing left to do, and there’s no going back?

For the first time in my life I understood the meaning of the word never . And it’s really awful. You say the word a hundred times a day but you don’t really know what your saying until you’re faced with a real “never again”. Ultimately you always have the illusion that you’re in control of what’s happening; nothing seems definitive…But when someone that you love dies [and there are many forms of death]. . .well, I can tell you that you really feel what it means and it really hurts. It’s like fireworks suddenly burning out in the sky and everything going black. I feel alone, and sick, my heart aches and every moment seems to require a colossal effort. . . someone had begun to play the piano…we stopped short and took a deep breath and let the sun warm our faces while we listened to the music drifting down from above. “I think —- would have liked this moment”. . . I have finally concluded, maybe that’s what life is about: there’s a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same. It’s as if those strains of music created a sort of interlude in time, something suspended, and elsewhere that had come to us, an always within never. Yes, that’s it, an always within never“.