How funny a creature are we. We that require maintenance. Doctors, shots, medication, sore muscles, weak bones, various diseases, mental problems, emotional issues, learning malfunctions. We are a supremely needy creature. In the wild those with sore bones and learning difficulties are eaten or left for dead. There is so much that we do to improve our chances, beat the odds, out be our being. And though I find this maintenance to be rather detrimental to us in the scheme of evolutionary achievements, I will, and do by choice assume my role and file in line at the nearest maintenance shop. And in return I am protected from the vile ills of man kind and reassured that my tangible existence will be in quality form for a time yet undetermined. Alas, for our species there seems not another way.

However, the routine visits to validate our position in the pool of those awaiting death and welcoming life is really rather benign compared to the maintenance of our vanity.

Vanity. To be vain. According to the dictionary, this is excessive pride in one’s own attractiveness. Am I vain? Is this blog a hidden vanity pouring itself out in digital dialogue? Is a study of my person an attempt to get others to view me, to see me and to experience me as beautiful and confident? Or I guess the last question implies the lack of vanity, if this was vainly motivated I would be posting the pictures to prove that I had achieved or experienced that which is otherwise socially acceptable to those that may be unfortunate enough to receive my blog.

I would like to think not. I would like to think, and truly have until this moment, that all my exposure, my study and my attempt at physical acceptance is not vanity, perhaps a transition in confidence, but not out right vanity. I believe that vanity implies I would, or anyone would be concerned with the opinions formed by others in excess.

This – excess – is the heart of vanity.

For the past two years I have lived in vanity. I have needed, sought and wanted the approval of others, of ‘those others, those in the groups a places that I assumed mattered socially, as a result mattered in how I was liked, and if I met people and so forth. Previously, I lived in the vanity of my estranged husband. I sought the acceptance, tried to be more or less of this and that. I have lived a roll in the vanity of my son and sought his acceptance.

What has been so fantastic about this blog is that is has afford me the chance to come to terms with my vanity. First, we all have some, and some I think is healthy. However, it has to be guided to feeling good for your sake. The jeans I have decided I really like are expensive. But, I did not but them because they were a certain name or style, I did buy them because after going to seven different places they fit me better than any other pair, I instantly loved how they fit and how they felt. Being in the jeans made me feel good, so did the matching bra and panties I bought. I almost always try to coordinate them. No one can see them, but I know they match and there is something sexy about that; and a women who feels sexy is a woman who is confident and a woman who is confident is a joy to be around. For this reason I have begun to embrace my vanity. But the days of doing it for others are gone. I do not set sights on meeting a boy or making an impression. I set sights on feeling confident throughout the day and feeling good in my own skin, and my own jeans and my own self. I shop GoodWill and I shop Lucky and I shop Target and none of it really matters. I like what I like and I am who I am.

But back to the body image, which actually has not been brought up yet, but it is where the idea to ramble about vanity came from. I had an epiphany.

I previously hated my body and was so uncomfortable in my own skin because I was always viewing myself through the magazine, through the pinch or the  size. I was not seeing myself as smart, witty, curious, social, etc., I was seeing myself as an object. A model image, an idea (I do think this is the first in a series of blogs to examine vanity, healthy and otherwise.), and I was trying to figure out how I could be representative of these beautiful confident women that seem to grace the planet at every turn of the newsprint. Then it dawned on me.

The beauty is in the confidence.

11 Responses to “Maintenance of vanity”