I did not grow up in a bad home. My parents loved and cared for us. They made sure that we had everything  we needed, and honestly more than that. But, they both worked, a lot. And they were young. They had a lot of fun; and I grew up smack in the middle of it all. Now, don’t get me wrong I had some amazing times; and how many children can say they have experienced a Poker Fairy?!  We went all over, we heard loads of music, met tons of people and had an enormous extended family.

And while this was all great, as I have gotten older, I realize that my family perhaps suffered in the area of communication. I do not think that I learned the skills to adequately convey what I needed, how I felt, and what I thought. We were not supposed to cry, and feelings, though not shunned, were personal. We had to deal with things and move on. As a result of this I am tough. I am tenacious and afraid of very little. I know that I can and that I will survive. However, as a result of this, I have only just now realized that I lack, or have lacked, in the area of communicating love.

Sure, I can buy or make a thoughtful, creative, and often aesthetic or tasty gift – and for those of you who have received them I am not denouncing what meaning they conveyed, they were created out of love, out of thought, and out of care. However, there is more to expressing love to someone than gifts.

I could never accept the words “your beautiful” or “I just like looking at you”, or ” I really enjoy talking to you”  - how do you respond to such things. Why would someone say that, isn’t it embarrassing?

Well, I know now, you say thank you, and you tell the other person moments, places, things about them, with them and of them that you enjoy. And you don’t just say it, you think about it, feel it and mean it. And you say it whenever you think about it, not just because someone else said it first.

You honor and respect personal space, time to be alone, time to be with your child, time to be without your child. This time that is devoted to the above, is time that is representative of love. And yes, a love of self is important. Without a love of self communicating how you feel about someone in an open and honest way, and through pure actions, is difficult. That communication becomes shrouded in self doubt and insecurity because you don’t know if it is what you are supposed to say or do, or if it is how you are supposed to. Well, if its honest, and its true, then it will be okay, because if the person in turn loves you than it wont matter how you fumble your words, or if you love their large ears or small eyes. Those are no longer imperfections, rather they are trademarks, tell tale feature that you cherish like a teddy bear.

I have had a hard time communicating how I feel, how I think, what I am sure of, afraid of and what I love about those around me. I think that it is a combination of not developing skills earlier on, and of lacking – time, desire and ability – to self analyze. To actually sit back, look at who I am, how I got here, where I want to be, who I want to be with, why and how I know I want to be with them, what is it about everyday that I love? What is it about myself that I love? others?

Now that my world is relatively quite, I have redirected all of that talk of myself into myself.

A lot has changed already. Im sure there is more to come, and here, in my most vulnerable, I have found strength in me .