I indicated in a recent blog that I have been in need of the skills of loving, and being loved.

I thought then, and think more so now, that in order for this realization to come to pass I had to be put in a situation of desperation. A situation that felt so bleak, so lonely, so isolating, that I very quickly had to process choices I made, and choices I did not make. Through doing so I have come to learn a great deal about myself.

First and foremost, I have had to take ownership of my ill actions. I have had to face the reality that I stand where I do now as a result of my recent actions, or lack there of. My actions were perpetuated by those of  another, however, no situation is the fault of one individual. For a long time I have been scared, afraid that no matter which choice I made it would be the wrong one. I always knew what I wanted to do; and yet I was always afraid that what I chose would haunt me. I never wanted to feel so bad again in my life, and then, i felt worse.

Owning up to my portion of the situation has been hard, embarrassing, and frustrating. There is a part you that then tries to justify your actions so as to soften the blow to your own ego. Yet, no matter how I try, if I justify away my responsibility then I can not hope to grow from the situation.

I own it, I accept it, and though I know should the stakes get any higher I will suffer a blow, I also know that I have no choice but to accept that life must go on in a highly altered way. And if it is meant to be any other way, then with luck, my personal beliefs in myself others, and God, and instinct will benefit me. Yet, I am not naive enough to think that those odds are in my favor.

For weeks I have cried. Though not been self piteous, I do not believe in it. Being self-piteous is almost as selfish as suicide. I will face each day and do so to the best of my ability. I will be strong. I will learn to live my life, as me in this altered state.

In recent readings and self explorations I have increasingly realized I am comfortable with myself. My body, my skin, my style, my likes and dislikes, my imperfections. I have begun to see where I faulted, where I was weak and where I fell short – both for myself and for others. Through this process though I have had to make a choice : feel sorry for myself, or change myself.

I am changing, growing, and evolving. I am doing so quite naturally with no drastic movements or alterations of who or what I am. Rather I am embracing me. I am accepting my femenimity, my personality, my intelligence, my self. I am certain in who I am without that person be contingent upon my son or any other man or friend or group. I am me. I am certain of who that is.

The task now is understanding what I mean in the context of others and how best to communicate to them what they mean to me. I need to learn skills of communication and expressions of love. It is important to express how I feel, but it is equally important to understand how the persons I care for understand love and the means by which it is expressed. Some value gifts, some words, some touch. Though we all likely know what each form of communication means, we are each more receptive to one or some then others. I need to improve upon understanding the needs of those around me, and the needs of myself….