In conversations I have during the day I find myself processing my self. Doing this on my own is new. The dialogue is internal now. It used to be an exchange, but alas, though I love my friends dearly I am at a loss for that banter. None the less, necessity is the mother nature of invention, and so we grow, I am growing and developing a whole new set of skills. The fear here is that if you do not share these skills, these new aspects of self, you will then internalize them to such a degree that you have built a structure stronger than the Hoover Damn, and more engulfing then the Mariana’s Trench – you have built – A WALL.

Building personal walls is a skill. Like building a tangible structure of containment, a wall requires patience, a plan, and dedication to the process (At the least original walls of brick and mortar do, I suppose now they are all framed and done with poured concrete, but as I like to consider myself more of an old soul, we shall be referencing brick walls.) with attention to detail.

Personal walls are the same.

1. A reason to build – family dispute, broken heart (prob the most common)

2. A plan – where to begin, how large it should be, how to defend it, and who or what is ever allowed to transcend it.

3. materials – pack up the memories, change routine, buy clothes, get new friends

4. time – the more hurt you are, the stronger the wall you will aim to build, the harder to break it down.

The building of a wall is generally to protect oneself from something unpleasant that they themselves have experienced or otherwise have an unjustified fear  of (because if you have never been in love than being afraid of getting hurt is ridiculous because you don’t yet understand love, let alone the pain and the drive of it.). I built my wall to protect me from pain, from sadness and from disappointment.

THE PROBLEM WITH BUILDING WALLS -

The problem with building a wall is that you are not building a life. Your skills are strictly defensive, and you are always poised and ready to protect that which you have worked so hard to safe guard. As a result, those that you may want, or may have wanted around you are pushed so far away that they can not look back. Despite finding the peepholes, there is not cannon ball that will crush the foundation of the wall. At least you don’t think that there is. This is particularly tricky when the wall stems from a broken heart or a family feud. At some point, a broken heart must mend, and if it mends it will likely break again, so why let it mend? If you remember the bad, focus on the negative, expect the worse and continue to only develop the skills needed to build walls, then you will push away that which your heart desires out of fear. And a life lived in fear is not a life worth living; and when that which you love is gone, your wall will shatter in you palms.

To build a wall is to block communication, to restrict access and to assume that those who are peering in are only doing so with ill intention. But when you finally push your love, or your family so far away that they are gone, well you realize that building yourself such a strong wall cost you everything that you cared about. But when in that mode, you are afraid to stop building, it becomes all that you know. If you are not shielding yourself from those you want, then how are you integrating them, how are you communicating with them and expressing your desire for their company. Well, simply put, you are not. You are then brought to your demise by your own creation much as our tragic heros of mythology.

And thus, my wall has tumbled, and though I fear that I will rebuild, I am holding out and holding on to the little hope I have that there will be reasons, experiences, friends, and my son to keep me from rebuilding. I have begun learning the tools needed for building roads, and I hope to forget some of those for building walls.

Here is to the road in my head, and the road in my heart, may their paths meet where my road ends.

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