life seems to be full of hard lessons, im slowly becoming certain that the only real lessons in life are the hard ones. By no means is this the first hard lesson i have had, but a friend said the following to me tonight, and as usual, it is one of those things that you already know, but you get blindsided, you turn so far in, that you forget to look out to see if what you are finding inside even makes sense.

“YOUR NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY IF YOU FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT AND NOT WHAT YOU HAVE IN FRONT OF YOU”

thanks JM I needed that one, I do have a fantastic son, and friends and others around me,and I never want to forget that again because it has done me in once already.

“…in front of me…” right now other than lyrics:

at my computer table littered with art and notes and books and cords there is the mound of silly bands my son has collected, and they sit nestled up to my glass of chinese fortunes (believe me you never know when you may need one), i tunes, via my headphones, currently playing damien rice and the piece of watermelon i decided to eat, on one of my favorite plates that i happened to just now drop on the floor and split in two (for those of you that know me, this seems rather symbolic of life right now, but im not going to read to much into the state of a broken plate that i tried to cut watermelon on while it rested on the edge of a table, it was my fault, of course that is another problematic statement, thus the dialogue on watermelon will end) and finally a section from the last page of the book I am presently reading.

"It would never have crossed her mind spontaneously that somebody might actually need silence. That silence helps you to go 'inward', that anyone who is interested in something more than just life outside actually needs silence..."

and thus i sit amongst these things that remind me both of what i want and what i have, they are equally inspiring and depressing. and thus here i sit. . .