Sorry, no pretty pictures, just the moments in life that are so easy to regret, and feel guilty over; and that sense of guilt may be the hardest emotion to rectify to ones self. To watch the unexpected unfold before you can be soul stealing. There is not much reconciliation in despair, and to those whom you cast it upon, so to shall it inadvertently be cast upon you, this is how the connectivity of man makes its claim. I shall watch you, though not through intention, struggle as you have watched me perhaps, but hopefully not, through intention. The struggle of guilt is wretched, it is bright and beautiful and attract the flirtatious desires you harbor for change and comfort; and then it shall sting you blindly when you are standing tall, it will strike you in a place that you did not know you had and the result is a loneliness so hollowing you become quite physically ill.

As humans we are cruel, terribly cruel individuals. Not necessarily with intent, but in out design.  Our ability to survive is instinctual – what we need, who we need, how and when we need it. And those instincts are often inexplicable. reactions and reactions justify our daily existence in small and often insignificant ways that develop over time to produce a more lasting affect.

We love and hurt each other too often. The ability to love becomes clouded by the things that we put into the suitcases and bring with us – children, fights, finances, work, house hold maintenance, personal weakness, family, personal strength, and more. There is so much that over time we take on. The greatest hurdles are perhaps our children.

The birth of a child will test the relationships you have with friends and your wife/husband like no other. This is where you loose sight of all that is good about each other this is where a lack of sleep and a lack of stability try to ripe you apart. It is often a successful process.

My strength rests in my ability to admit defeat here. A significant personal weakness. The defeat of difficulty. I chose to not learn, yes actually learn – stop, reflect, listen and learn, I was young – how to cope, how to relate and how to accept the imperfections of my situation and of those I loved. The fear of failure, the fear of change, the fear of difficulty consumed me. I have left myself lonely, though admittedly, as I have a great deal of friends, I am not alone. Unfortunately no amount of friendship can alleviate the associated guilt of previously being unable to accept the world – dirt on the kitchen floor, ice cream dripping on my jeans, a compliment from my husband, the trash left a bit too full – the tiny things that I now know are so minor in the greater scheme of life, the tiny things that suck the fun and enjoyment out of laying on the couch to watch a movie, the ability to forgive and destroy my walls – these are what I regret the most.

And yet, regret, is as unproductive as any affair we partake. There is no means by which to resolve yourself to knowing that you did and acted the way you did for reasons that are not so clear if you are engulfed by regret. To leave regret is to move on to despair, and that is a more painful place, but with luck, a place that promotes some sense of motivation to change, to strive, to create, to relate, to become another form of you as you grow and age in wisdom and maturity.

There is no greater teacher than regret. And there is no greater crime. To regret our actions is to regret who we are. If we regret who we are the problems are infinitely more serious. If we choose to learn and accept our actions we develop more fully.

I do not regret who I have become. I do regret that who I have become has not been shared with those who would of, and perhaps still do or can appreciated it the most.

Though I know the changes are for the better, and I know who I am more clearly, and I love life more fully, it does not reconcile the fact that it should always be – while in process and in completion – shared with the ones you are closest, and should always be shared openly and honestly, to hide your feelings out of fear or frustration or insecurity will only consume you and push away that towards which you feel and those you wish to feel it. To use those great cliches we all love – “Stone walls do not a prison make, Nor iron bars a cage; Minds innocent and quiet take That for an hermitage; If I have freedom in my love, And in my soul I am free, Angles soar above Enjoy such liberty” – Richard lovelace for those unaware.

Life’s lessons are hard, and often we have to be open to accepting them as arriving in our lives and in other. We must accept that people can change for the better and the worse (which is often the case as it is relevant e to ones own desires) and we must accept that people need time to adjust to their change, as well as the change of others, and that we need time to adjust to them as well, but first, we must be wiling to change, our ability to accept change in each other is often the hardest and most under appreciated.

I am a changed women, lover, mother, daughter, sister and friend as a result of the recent years. honestly. Hiding my feelings has gotten me nowhere, but there is unquestionable a fear that exposing them will prove as futile. There is not way to know, but to try, the regret of not trying has been worse.